Dilemma of marriage

Marriage has always been an institution that I hated all my life because of the environment in which I have grown up. Since I have taken birth, I have seen never-ending fights between my parents almost every day. It becomes worse when you have no option to keep yourself aloof from all this. We used to live in one room. We ate, slept, and studied in one room. There’s no separate room so that at least we can keep ourselves aloof from this everyday drama. How can you concentrate on your studies in such an environment? You need peace of mind to concentrate on anything. Sometimes, they fought all night without thinking that we had an exam the next day, but they never cared about it.

All this made me suicidal. I used to think of committing suicide almost every day, but I didn’t because I promised myself that I will fight and won’t give up. Only my sister can understand all this because she has also grown up in the same environment and seen all this. Had someone else in our place, he would have committed suicide or run away from the place? I am happy that she has been married and out of this mess now.

The ones who get affected the most because of parents’ fights are children. Sometimes the trauma they experience remains with them for their whole life. Childhood trauma changes their personality also. I have never recovered from that childhood trauma.

People often ask me ‘Why do you remain so quiet’?  How do I tell them what I have gone through in life? All that I have experienced during childhood has made me so quiet. There are many days in my life when I didn’t speak a word for the whole day to anyone. I have more conversations in my head than I have in real life. I talk only to those whom I like. I have no friends in my locality. I have very few friends and they all are my school friends.

Why am I so short-tempered? Why have I so much anger in me? There is only one answer. My childhood bad experiences have made me like this.

All this made me hate marriage. Whenever someone starts talking about my marriage, I get anxious. It makes me uncomfortable. I just want to escape from that conversation.

There is immense pressure from my family to get married as soon as possible. The pressure of getting married is eating me up. People do keep asking me ‘Why are you not marrying’? How do I tell them about my parents’ fights and my childhood experiences? How do I tell them about the environment of my house?

I know that my parents did their best to provide for me but at the same time, they did irreparable damage to me and my life. Even now, nothing has changed. They are still the same. They still fight day and night. I feel suffocated in this house. I can’t even sleep peacefully. It’s very hard to live in this house. This is also one reason I don’t want to marry. How will someone else live in such a house?

Nowadays, when I see marriages falling apart, my already shattered belief in marriage, shatters more.

Days are just passing by and I am not able to decide what to do. I am completely clueless. Even I don’t know whether I want to marry or not. I hated marriage all my life and when the first time I find someone whom I wanted to marry, she also said no. Everything I want in life just goes away.

I am tired of everything now. Sometimes I just want to run away from all this.

I have left it now on fate. Let fate decide it.

What will be, will be.