Unposted

I wanted to post on 31st August. I wrote a very long post. It was about you and my feelings. When I was writing I didn’t even realize that I had already written 20,000 words. I realized it only when Google Keep surrendered and indicated that I have crossed the word limit of 20,000 words in a single note. I could keep it short, but in doing so its soul and essence would have lost, so I didn’t stop myself from expressing my feelings.

I tried to post it on that day itself, but couldn’t complete it, so I restrained myself from posting it that day. I didn’t want to post it incomplete in a hurry so I decided to post it when it would be completed.

But, on 1st September, something happened that left me thinking, should I post it or not? I was walking on one side of the road and you were coming from the opposite direction on the same side of the road. You were with your elder sister on a scooty. You were sitting behind your sister. There wasn’t much distance between you and me. I was happy because I had seen you after a long time, but my happiness just vanished in just a few seconds as you turned your face away and took a right turn before crossing me. My heart just sank at that moment. I felt very bad.

I don’t know what the reason was behind that. Maybe you didn’t see me at all. Maybe you were feeling awkward talking to me as you were with your sister. Maybe you didn’t want to confront me. Maybe you didn’t want to talk to me at all. Maybe I am just assuming things. Whether you do that intentionally or it was completely unintentional, but it did hurt me.

When someone confesses his or her feelings for you and you don’t feel the same, you need not start behaving like a stranger, you can still remain friends with him or her.

Maybe you are miffed at me for confessing my feelings, but it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. It left me heartbroken, but I have no ill-feeling for you. I can never think ill of you, but it would have been nice if you had stopped and said hi or just smiled.

I haven’t completed that post yet. I will complete it, but I am not sure whether I will post it or not. For now, I will keep it as a private post. I don’t know what is stopping me from posting it. Maybe it is that incident or maybe I am fearing being judged by others.

Unsaid words hurt the most. I will suffer if all the things I want to say remain inside me, but I am not able to gather the courage to post it either.

Maybe someday I will gather the courage to express how I feel about you and post that post or maybe it will remain unposted forever.

I am in a dilemma.